You need to get out of your head and into your life. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. Im not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. 6-12 years. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. 13+ years. I am not sure of what to do. No tool and not even with time repairs. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. I know what youre going through. joanne. I still do it 4.5 years later. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. God bless you! "acceptedAnswer": { We were married for 15 years. I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to cope up with the partner any more. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. } Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. Ultimately, I support her decision. 11. 3-5 years. Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. But the pain of all of it never really went away. Although it may be different than the one you imagined, after a divorce you do still have a future to look forward to. My career has suffered. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? I can relate a lot with you. I have my kids back in my life. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . Similar experience for me I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. I lost multiply job. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. { Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. Dating the same man again. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. We had two teenagers a mortgage, a good life I thought. xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . I initiated it. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. Agree. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. Through much pain and even more growth, Ive built a wonderful new life for myself, but I still grieve sometimes for what was lost. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see that I fell into it or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other and I am still falling. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. I became a shell of a person. I never reached out to him for assistance. I googled this lingering pain. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? Thanks for recognizing that. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. Im just so broken. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. I miss her greatly . During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. "mainEntity": [{ Shelia sorry to hear about your story. crying spells. Dwelling on what you should have done. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. I have tried to console myself by saying, "leaving my ex was the most compassionate thing I could do since he deserved to be desired by someone". Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! My heart is breaking. Done. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. Purpose to become happy, engage in a relationship that matters and invests in yourself in a better way. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasnt enough. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. For people who already live with depression . Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating. Coparenting is tough. Oh well. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. Add message Save Share Report Bookmark As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. The article is dead on. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. Peace to you all. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being divorced even 35 years down the line. Im mostly happy, but the corners stay sad. Keeping the bed. Does he ever think of me? Please Click Here to Read Legal Disclaimer Before Utilizing this site. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. Thank God I found this. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. We just arent on the same level. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions I would have been able to still respect him. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. I dont believe staying together for child sake. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. Coparenting is difficult. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Oh, so difficult! No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. You really cant talk to anyone about it. God sees our pain, our tears. Below are some tips to help one know what to follow when divorce still hurts. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. I have truly tried to find out who I am. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. I have not dated anybody because Im still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. fatigue. Yes, I am male. I struggle through. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. I wish for better days. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. 25 years gone after her affair. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. And sadness. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? My divorce might be legally over soon. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. Love is not something outside us , but is our very essence. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Your piece really spoke to me. Related: Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist Before jumping ahead to the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it's worth summarizing the tell-tale traits of self-absorbed personality.. 7 Traits of a Narcissist Excellent article. Time does not heal all wounds. Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. house, kids, American Dream. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. "acceptedAnswer": { Great article!!! My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? A word I'd wished for so long to hear. This article really resonates with me. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. Great article. "The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside." - Sam Vaknin. I have moved on and with a new partner. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. feelings of . 20. No longer. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Wow. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her advice on feeling lonely after a divorce, and moving on after the death of a partner. But the pain lingers under the surface always. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. Seeking revenge. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. This so much speaks to me . Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. You arent able to find joy in your life as it is. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. I am finding it impossible to truly heal from the breakdown of my marriage and family. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. Divorce can be worse than dying. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . the pain is there every day . I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. 6 In addition to increased behavior problems, children may also experience more conflict with peers after a divorce. I had so many changes to adjust to. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. Along with the occasional look of, "Mhmm, sure.". What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. I believe it's one of the fastest methods of emotional healing and transformation available today; You can learn to use tapping on your own, or see a therapist who uses meridian tapping.The aspects of "guilt" and "regret" should be at the top of the list of "tapping targets" to work on. Thank you for finding those words. "text": "Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. I wa interested in this website. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. Poor Academic Performance Best wishes to all of us! Not all things cost money that you can do or see! difficulty concentrating. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. This is the best article I have read on this topic. Ben's Answer:The relationships that break our heart the most are often based on an idealized image of the person that we lost. "@type": "Answer", "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. I was too immature to realize that the man he was and our relationship was the hottest thing ever. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. trouble sleeping or insomnia. All rights reserved. Ray J . Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. I have had a similar situation. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. My kids are well. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. "acceptedAnswer": { You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. I didnt even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. For me, the pain will never go away. Sorry, but I needed to share. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. 22. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. Thank you for this article. I would have gone to any length to keep my family together. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly My heart remains unresolved. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. Here is the bottom line, Sam, youre purposefully holding onto the pain. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. I also have no contact. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. This also resonates with me. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain.